Attack on Duck
by KaiFukugawa
Summary: In an era where Titans, giant man-eating ducks, rule supreme, love is hard to find. Which is why sometimes it's up for the authors to give things a little push. Oh hell. Pairings inside. Rating may go up in later chapters due to terribly written smut. Pure crack with a bit of author ranting and near collapsing of the fourth wall.
1. The Great and Mighty Ducks

**A/N: So my friend and I were bored and drunk and this happened. So yeah. I'm using this to kind of ease back into writing excessively. I present to you, my first (semi)crack fic.**

**The pairings shall be as follows:**

**Jeanmarco**

**Springles (and slight SashaxPotato)**

**ReinerxBertoltxAnnie**

**ArminxPenguin (Penguin being Eren because reasons)**

**Eruri (one sided)**

**YumiKuri**

**Mikasa and Levi have an epic bromance.**

**PetraxAuruo**

**Gunther and Eld have an epic bromance.**

**Hanji (yes I know it's technically Hange but) is awesome. She and Mike have an epic bromance.**

**Just a note: all the Titans are giant ducks. Don't ask we're weird. Also, this won't be following the canon so yay.**

* * *

"OH HI MISTER TITAN PLEASE DON'T KILL US PLEASE!"

The giant duck (this time in the form of a squeaky, yellow rubber ducky- damn those Abnormals!) cocked its body towards the sound before-

"_**SQUEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!**_"

"God dammit, Armin stop breaking out into song!" Eren screamed as a Titan picked him up in its bill and started squeezing him.

"EREN NO!" the blonde screamed before...

"ARE YOU TWEETING THIS?!"

"...NO!"

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

The blonde quickly stuffed his phone back into one of Mikasa's bras ("Hey Mikasa can I use one of your bras? It's to keep my phone in when I'm using the 3DMG...") and swooped in to save his boyfriend- er, best friend.

With the grace of a majestic eagle, he spun through the air, twirling and pirouetting through the air like a ballerina.

"A-Armin!" Eren gasped as the little blonde boy slashed through the nape of the giant duck's neck and caught him with a flourish. They stood like that, Eren in Armin's arms and aqua meeting blue for what seemed like the first time. The dying screech of the Titan rang in their ears.

It was the most beautiful thing they had ever heard.

Armin looked out into the distance, no emotion reflecting on his face, before very calmly placing his hand on Eren's crotch.

"Armin! What the-"

Before Eren could finish what he was saying, there was a loud _boom_. And suddenly there was a giant penguin standing above Armin.

Yes Eren transformed into a penguin because penguin's are birds too but only Eren because the authors say so. Without further ado, Eren grabbed Armin in his flipper and stuffed him down his pants (the authors felt sorry for Eren and decided "Ah, what the hell, let's make him have pants just this once for comic relief. But they must be khakis!"). Armin then proceeded to suck his dick...well, not really because if Titan-penguin-Eren had a dick it would be too big for the small blonde boy to technically _suck_... So basically, Armin was just licking the spot where Eren's missing genitalia was _supposed _to be like the little horndog he was.

Eren gave a mighty...penguin noise...before charging off into the sunset (which was actually just flames from shit getting set on fire) and kicking some Titan booty.

Meanwhile Hanji was busy flipping a shit over the Titans.

"Ooh, look! That one has a red crest!"

"Yep," Mike replied, uninterested.

"And that one-"

"Mmmhmm."

"And-"

"Hanji shut up."

"Okay~!"

"No seriously, I smell someone."

"Oh."

The two set off in the direction Mike's nose led them, galloping through the burning buildings. They turned the corner and...

Saw Sasha stuffed into Connie's shirt. Sucking a potato.

"What the actual fuck?" Mike asked.

Hanji very slowly leaned towards him before slowly whispering, "Shrek is love. Shrek is life."

With those words, she turned into the giant, green beast, charging off with a roar and leaving the scent of onions in her wake. Mike stared after her with awe before whispering, "Woah. My friend is so cool."

* * *

Marco stopped when he saw a green blob barrel by, roaring in ecstasy.

"Was that...a Shrek?" he murmured, eyebrows creasing.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Hey psst, Marco!"

Marco spun around, eyes widening when he came face to face with Jean, noses touching.

"Wh-wh-whaaa?"

Jean blushed down to his Adam's apple, swallowing nervously. A ukulele strummed to their left.

"Reiner what the fuck?!" Jean shouted, yanking away from a red-faced Marco.

"Music is beautiful," the buff blonde whispered, teary eyed. "Music is love. Music is life."

A sigh of wind passed the building. After a moment of eerie silence, Bertolt popped his head out of the back of Reiner's shirt.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?!" Jean roared.

"Oh hi."

Annie's eyes peered at the horse-faced soldier through Reiner's open pants zipper. "Hello."

It all became too much for Marco, who passed out. Jean gave an extremely manly yelp, going in to catch the freckled boy. However, he was a bit late and Marco's body hit the roof of the building they were standing one. Jean winced, backing up a bit, only to see that Marco's body was following his movements.

Marco's lip had somehow gotten caught on Jean's pants zipper when he fell so not only was he now unconscious, but he was practically giving Jean a blowjob through his pants. To make it worse, Jean now had a raging boner.

"Wh-what do I do?!" he shouted in panic.

Reiner gave a very manly laugh. "Hah hah... Yeah man, you're fucked. Why don'cha ask Annie for help?"

Said blonde retreated further into Reiner's pants with a glare.

"Well..." Bertolt said. "This might help. I'll bertell you what I bertold him. You just gotta shove it all in there even if he chokes-"

"OH MY GOD!" Jean screamed, mortified.

Just then, there was a groan near his groin. Marco's eyes fluttered open.

Jean stared at him. He stared at Jean. Both of them slowly went red.

Marco fainted again.

* * *

"Ready baby, I'm gonna do a backflip," Ymir shouted over her shoulder to the small blonde girl clinging to her back. Krista grinned hugely, grabbing on to her girlfriend's shoulders tightly.

"Woohoo!"

* * *

**A/N: And so ends chapter one. Oh god, what have I done? Haadiya you little shit, I blame this on you. So yeah. Review 'n shit. I have a feeling so many people are gonna be offended by this...**


	2. It's time for me to come back

**Hello all! (Okay that was a shitty start, but cut me some slack, I'm crap at these.) So, um, yeah, this isn't a real chapter...again. Hopefully I'll be able to upload a new chapter for a few of my fics today ****as an apology for being such a shitty host because I've kept you all waiting for like half a year for new updates but managed to miss the part where I update ^^;.**** So anyway, I have a lot of news for you guys I guess? Umm, yeah. Heh.**

**Okay so first of all (though some of you won't care) most of you know that the last time I was active on here I wasn't in a very good place. Well I have come to tell you that I'm still not in a very good place. I got a ton more wishes to get well and feel better than I thought I would ever get and to be honest that made me feel a lot better (not to mention my awkward thank you notes ((sorry if I didn't send you one, I've gotten a bit lost these past few months :( )) ("Hello! Thank you for being such a...nice person, and yeah. Talking. I don't know if you're and XD or and xD kind of person. Or an lol or LOL kind of person. Okayimjustgonnagoanddieinaholenowbecauseofmycompleteandutterlackofcommunicationskills.")) So thanks for that!**

**So to bring you up to speed with what's happened these past few months (and what was going on six months ago) basically I got in a huge fight with a few people I was very close with and I didn't really have anyone and that made me realize a few things about others and myself. Eventually it just got worse and worse to the point where I was just done with everything. Things started patching up between me and one of the people but I still have self-esteem issues when she hangs out with the other person, who I'm trying to patch things up with. So umm yeah, over these past few months I have been successfully diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, mild anorexia, slight OCD, and suicidal/self harm tendencies , though a lot of that stuff was already there before ^^; Basically my self-esteem sucks ass and I can't find a way to get better. Not to mention that family life has been less than perfect but what can you do.**

**Sorry I keep splitting this into so many paragraphs I just hate things dragging on. So more into my life, yayyy. So, umm, I have a kind of, sort of, it's complicated girlfriend? I guess? Umm and yeah. I actually was in a relationship before but that ended in her cheating on me, a dead baby, and me being shunned because I'm a third black on my dad's side, and that was the story of my first relationship folks. So yeah, I've been getting myself into a lot of shit lately yayy. Let's see...oh yeah, my mom is convinced I'm lesbian (which is only kind of true but still it hits way to close to home ^^; If you're wondering, I'm demisexual (I only form sexual/romantic attraction when I have already formed a strong bond with somebody) and pansexual (I can form sexual/romantic attraction to people of every gender (read: I don't care if you're trans, genderqueer, or cis I'll love you for you) and the same goes for romantic orientation (though I guess I could also be gray-romantic (I don't often experience romantic attraction) when it comes to romantic orientation... I don't know, it's still confusing. There's also the problem of my religion because a lot of Christians think being part of the LBQT community is a sin. Hell better save the throne for me then.))**

**I'm also still exploring into the fact that I might be gender fluid so yayy this is probably a bunch of garble for those of you who don't know what any of this stuff means.**

**I'm also writing a book and it's going fairly okayish but there'll be more about that when I talk about Have We Lost. **

**So yeah, I have a lot more to say but I figure that'd just bore you guys, so on we go to the part you've all been waiting for!**

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**For those of you who follow the re-written TLA (Hello's and Goodbye's) series:**** (I think this story is really cute to be honest ^^) Hopefully I'll have this updated by sometime later this afternoon! It's actually kind of embarrassing because the TLA series in general started with me wanting to write a story about some of my sixth grade friends I had said goodbye to a few years before (we had just met up somewhere) and I had started out the series as a Bleach fanfiction with a different plot and different characters and then named them after ourselves because I couldn't come up with any other names ^^; And then their appearances changed to match each of us a bit better (though not quite all the way) and the whole plot changed. Though over the course of the story, Casey and I have separated and became two different people so she's almost nothing like me now really. I also have to do a bit of editing because I accidentally made Margaret seem a bit bitchy. (Woops! Sorry Margaret, if you're reading this!) (Ahaha and now you guys know my name is Casey ^^;)**

**For those of you who follow the TLA series (Kishi Kaisei)****: I'll be rewriting and continuing Kishi Kaisei once I'm done with the first edition of the rewritten series :3 Sorry for the long wait guys! You can feel free to check out the new re-written version of Hello's and Goodbye's though. It'll be a lot better (not as many spelling errors woot!) than the original hopefully. Though if you like the original, that's chill too!****  
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**For those of you who follow Th****e**** Akatsuki(tties)****: Ah shit, I almost forgot about this :( I'm thinking of rewriting the first few chapters a bit just to make them a bit more in character and fix some errors I saw and then continuing it. This is a really feel-good, free (speaking of which, how's Free! Eternal Summer so far? I'm still on season one D:), happy, funny fic so it'll be really fun to start writing again! Expect loads of uploads and ninja kitties :D! I miss my Hidan~**

**For those of you who follow Set Me Free****: I _will _be continuing this eventually but I haven't watched Sherlock in a while so I don't know the characters as well now and I also don't really know where I'm going with this story. I know for sure that I have to completely redo the second chapter because that was shit that I typed out in five minutes because I hadn't updated in a while. Also, I'm still reeling from the season three ending so XD. I will let you guys know right now that it won't be following the new season so yeah :D.****  
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**For those of you who follow Have We Lost: I'm on the edge about deleting Have We Lost. I love the story and I love Haya-chan but those of you who have read the rough (so rough that I need to update it with the newer and better version) prologue of my book know that Hayato is also the main character in that as well. So let me talk to you about my book for a while so there's no confusion: Hayato Niigata is the main character of my book and is the same in all aspects. But the problem lies in the second main(ish) character, a male who has orange hair and you guessed it, brown eyes. Now let me tell you a story: I have a thing for gingers with dark eyes. I've had a thing for them ever since I was young (read: ever since I was five and saw Hige from Wolf's Rain). When I was nine, I was dead set on writing a book about a guild of angels with shit, nameless characters because I was uncreative as fuck. There were like twenty angels and all of them led separate armies of less skilled angels and had deputies (I read a lot of the Warriors series when I was a kid). It was a sappy ass romance shit and the main character was the female who is now Hayato. Originally they were just fighting random shit (read: there was no enemy I could think of so "hey let's just fight this air over here") and yeah. The other main character was a really buff seventeen year old guy with orange hair and dark brown eyes (I also wanted to make myself feel better that my eyes are black as the fucking night) who had lost all of his fancy angel powers in some big unexplained war who, by the way, was also part werewolf. He was going to turn evil and the weak-in-character female protagonist would change his mind with her feminine charm (Which Hayato has none of. She will kick your ass if you so much as look at her wrong and that's what I love about her *heart*). So yeah, I eventually scrapped that story. About a year or two ago I came back upon it, promptly shuddered in disgust, and threw it back out. However, after rereading it I, for some reason, thought "Hmm, this could really have potential, like the story is shit but this has sparked an idea for a whole new series!" so I rewrote it. But, the problem was that I couldn't find a name for the male protagonist, who was now half-angel and half-human. I had everything thought out from the huge war back story to the male protag and Haya's back story to the names of the mutations the big bad sent after them in the war but I. Couldn't. Find. A fucking. Name. And that was my downfall. So as I kept on thinking and thinking I got involved with Bleach, left the story to rot a bit, came back to it a few months later and thought "Wow the main character works so well with Ichigo this is just how I imagined him!" and replaced every blank spot with Ichi-berry's name and fine-tuned it (read: changed quite a bit of shit) to match the Bleach plot. Looking back on it now, I don't see how I ever thought Ichigo was like the male protag, who is now Sora, because, while in appearance they look a lot a like I guess, in personality they're quite a bit different. So yeah, now I've got the story down and there are beautiful characters I've fallen in love with like LeLöön, the cold and yet gentle fox kit, and Charles, the almost albino, clumsy archangel and a lot of others and demons and it's just so different from Bleach now and so different from what I had imagined it would be but beautiful at the same time because wow just wow and wow and I still love Bleach but this is just wow and I don't want someone going up to me and saying I copied Bleach because of the few similarities there are and then pulling this out when I say that I didn't because that'll be a huge oh fucking shit are you kidding me right now moment for me so yeah. Sorry if this is too long but I just wanted you guys to understand. I might keep Have We Lost around though if you guys like it enough so :/  
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**For those of you who follow Attack on Duck****: So the story behind this is my friend and I were in a mood and drunk one night and this happened. It is our little Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin lovechild. I still can't believe I wrote that. I crack up to this day still even thinking about it. Like, "Attack on Duck." Who would even read that? I'm surprised it even had two reviews on it XD. Someone pointed out that it reminds them of Tumblr and actually a lot of the ideas in it come from Tumblr so... And also the "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" video. Don't watch it. Though if you do, listen to it with headphones. Please. For your own good. It's not for children to hear. So yeah, headphones! But yeah that is the first crack I have ever written so ^^;! I might update it someday soon once I'm drunk enough to. ^^**

**And if anyone is following A New Year's Together then that's never being update because it's a oneshot :3**

**Also, I'm thinking of writing several stories for Doctor Who, Supernatural, The Walking Dead, Blue Exorcist (Ao no Exorcist), Soul Eater, Ouran High School Host Club, Wolf's Rain, Black Butler, and more so stay in tune!**

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**If you have any questions, feel free to ask and until then see you soon! (Hopefully heh heh ^^;)**

**Also, if you want to check it out, my Tumblr is  .com (sorry for the theme being a bit faulty, it's still in progress ^^;!)**

**Love you guys! (Also sorry if there are any random 3's in here, I forgot you can't do the greater than signs to make hearts on here so yeah ^^;)**

**~ KAi**


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